Living in the Past Tense

I carried your derision across the continent
Mistook your face in crowds with its familiar contempt
You can sever off abuse enacted on an ugly whim
But it lingers like fog, clings on like a phantom limb
It lingers like fog, clings on like a phantom limb

To all else, it endeavors to be a cave dweller
Finds shelter in the seeds of doubt it sows
Covertly, it pervades, shirking parties and parades
Donning monochromatic clothes

When I pretended to be asleep
It made the whole thing easier

To me, it strove to be all-encompassing
An inescapable gaze and a whispering scream
I should’ve called it what it was when it was all I knew
But my timid tongue refused like it was trained to do

When I pretended to be asleep
It made the whole thing easier
When I pretended to be asleep
It made the whole thing easier

But every waking hour was
A tiny slice of death
Vile were your words
With bile on the breath
I used to fantasize about
The life I’m living now
Under your weight unwelcomed
I plotted my way out

I carried your derision
Mistook your face in crowds with its familiar contempt
You can sever off abuse enacted on an ugly whim
But it lingers like fog, clings on like a phantom limb

When I pretended to be asleep
It made the whole thing easier
When I pretended to be asleep
It made the whole thing easier

Now when I’m supine
I rest my eyes
And the whole thing’s easier

What did I do
And why won’t you tell me?
The ache of not knowing
Is too much to bear

I wear your silence like iron chains
Ones I’m afraid I’ll never shake
You used to believe in me
What, what changed?

What was the sin
And what is the reason?
None has been given
You’ve kept it hidden

And I wear your silence like a death sentence
And daily, I’ve been paying penance
You used to believe in me
But you’ve waned
Your former favor I’ll forever chase
A better time in a better place
When you believed in me
What, what changed?

What did I do
And why won’t you tell me?
The ache of uncertainty
It sickens my soul
I’m ashamed of a sin
That’s been kept secret
I’ve lost your affection
I’ve lost all control

I wear your silence like a rusted crown
Shackled, battered, gagged, and bound
You used to believe in me
Where are you now?
And I wear your silence like iron chains
Ones I’m afraid I’ll never shake
You used to believe in me
What, what changed?

A better time
a better place
That’s where I hide
What I’ll forever chase
A better time
Your former grace
That’s where I hide
What I’ll forever chase

Madness is
These calluses
I’ve been holding on so long
Fingers frozen
My palms won’t open
Time keeps passing
But my grasp
Is everlasting

And you want to move on
But I’m not ready
To give this up
My dreams won’t let me
Well, common sense says
Know when to quit
But my ego’s broken
I can’t let go yet

I’ll confess
My stubbornness
Is keeping me from letting go
Change is freaky
Makes me uneasy
Surrender’s never been
My M.O., no

And you want to move on
But I’m not quite ready
To put this aside
My pride won’t let me
Well, common sense says
Know when to quit
But my ego’s broken
I can’t let go yet
Can’t let go yet

Well, common sense says
Know when to quit
But my ego’s broken
I can’t let go yet

So keep your penchant
For apprehension
Cause from now on
I’m moving forward

Help
Rid me of this withered shell
Help
Deliver me from an excessive self
Day by day, I dissipate
The rumbling beneath
It cradles skin and teeth
Just skin and teeth

A spectacle, a specter
The less of me the better
A spectacle, a specter
The less of me the better

Hell
Is written in a jagged face
It’s felt
In a cadaverous embrace
It’s in a mother’s nightly weeping
It’s in a father’s righteous rage
Hell is beauty
Beauty is a cage
It’s a cage

A spectacle, a specter
The less of me the better
A spectacle, a specter
The less of me the better
It’s the halving of a whole
In a perfect loss of control

Ask, as if I could explain
The implications of my actions
The intentions they make plain
Ask, as if I ought to know
Why I thrive when I’m deprived
When there’s nothing left to show

And ask, as if I could explain
Why these intercostal spaces
Are my sacred domain
And ask, as if I ought to know
How could anyone find valuable
Or comforting, a clavicle

Or why I’d sell my soul
For a perfect loss of control
For a perfect loss of control

You hang
Like a picture frame
In a house that’s up for sale
Paid for
At the ten cent store
You’re cheap decor
And nothing more to me

I don’t wish you ill
Still I can’t wish you well
You stick
You needle prick
Digging deep into my skin
Captain on a ship of shit
Giving me your seasick grin
You scab
You leave me half-deranged
In full contempt
What I can’t change
I can’t accept

I don’t wish you ill
But I don’t wish you well
Can I just wish you
Momentary hell?
I don’t wish you ill
(Maybe faintly infirmed)
I, I just wish you weren’t
I just wish you weren’t

Hanging from a picture frame
Dangling off my wall
Ringing in the dead of night
When I won’t take the call
Clinging on like rain-soaked linen
Sickening, the smell
Bringing me no new beginning
Overwhelming, underpinning

Every conversation
As you grasp at every straw
And suck the life right out of me
Til I’m left limp and raw
You’re turning every party you pervert
Into a prison cell

I don’t wish you ill
But I don’t wish you well
Can I just wish you
Momentary hell?
I don’t wish you ill
(Maybe faintly infirmed)
I, I just wish you weren’t

I don’t wish you ill
(No misery or malady)
I just wish you felt
(A rise in your morality)
I don’t wish you ill
(No terror, trouble, tragedy)
I, I just wish you weren’t
Sometimes I just wish
You weren’t

He said
“There’s some long days ahead”
With a face full of pain
And a voice filled with dread

He said
“The world as I know it
Is coming to an end”
“The world as I know it
Is coming to an end”

Chasing faded happiness
And living in the past tense

He’s in love
With the world as it was
How she danced to Connie Francis
How they bickered just because

He’s in love
Helplessly and hopelessly
Outwardly and openly
Swept up in a memory

Chasing faded happiness
And living in the past tense
He’s chasing faded happiness

The world as I know it is coming to an end
The world as I know it is coming to an end
At daybreak, he’ll be brave
Unfazed and unafraid
But at sundown, he’ll be found
Chasing faded happiness
And living in the past tense
He’s chasing faded happiness
And he’s living in the past tense
Chasing faded happiness